KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Today, Ashley Garner sits before the world as a mother of three, supporting her family, and starting a small business. She is financially independent, dating again, and getting involved in the community. But, if you would have told her four years ago she would be here, she said she wouldn't have believed you.
"At the time I was a stay-at-home mom. I had two little ones at home and a third one on the way," Garner said. "I really couldn't see anything else for myself other than just the reality that I was in."
The reality of her relationship wasn't always bad. In fact, she remembered it started quite well.
"I was still in my late 20s. I had a career, I had a college degree, and I thought I really had myself together," Garner said.
She fell in love and dated a man for about four years, before becoming husband and wife. At that point, things took a turn, Garner said.
"It was this gradual stripping away of any independence and self-assurance that I had," Garner said. "Over the course of six years, I didn't have a checking account anymore. I didn't have money of my own, I had to ask for it. He knows where I go all the time. He had tracking apps on my phone."
The process Garner experienced is called 'coercive control.' It happens in many domestic violence situations. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, and intimidation, or other abuse that affects the other person psychologically over time.
"The chipping away was so gradual, I thought that I was crazy. I thought that I was making everything up in my head. I thought that everything was so overblown, even the physical violence. I would find a way to rationalize why he did it," she said.
Garner remembers the first time he laid his hands on her. She said they got into an argument. He threatened to leave their home, and Garner stood near the doorway. She said he pushed her to the side, and her wrist caught hold of a rusty nail.
Garner said the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse got so bad that she had code words she would send to her family and friends to let them know she was okay.
"They wanted to make sure that I was still alive. And, that it was really me, not him on my phone," Garner said. "If they could have pulled me out by my hair, they would have. But, I would not have gone back because it wasn't ready. As a single mom, who stayed at home for five years, I couldn't wrap my brain around what that was going to look like. Where was the money going to come from? Where was any additional support gonna come from? How, how was I going to do this?"
However, none of those questions mattered to Garner anymore, after an argument turned physical in April 2018.
"It was the Saturday before Easter, and things got really, really out of hand. Up until that point, I thought that I had done a great job of hiding everything from my kids," Garner said.
She said things got really heated.
"I was bleeding. I'm going up our stairs, holding the baby who was about 13 months old, and just kind of passing him up like a football to my eight-year-old. I said, 'Take your brother, get in the bedroom, lock the door. And, I don't care what you see, what you hear, what you think you've seen or heard, do not open this door until it's me on the other side,'" Garner said. "Seeing my eight-year-old, just with that absolute terror on his face in that was the final straw."
Garner called 911. She notified authorities and fled the violence, with her three children.
"I left him with a one, six, and eight-year-old. I think I maybe had like $100 or $200 in my bank account. I had no job," Garner said. "But, the choice was either I'm going to stay, and he's going to kill me. Or I'm going to go and we might starve. But, at least I'm going to starve on my own terms."
Garner said the transition was not easy. She lived in a hotel for weeks with her children, she found housing wherever she could, and sometimes worked three jobs to keep food in their bellies. But, she said all of that struggle was worth it to leave the violence.
"I just kept going and I just kept thinking that you know, the best revenge really is living well," she said.
Four years later, Garner shared her story to help motivate other people experiencing domestic violence to do the same.
"If I can do it, anybody can. You can do so much more than than you think you can," she said.
On average it takes a domestic violence survivor seven attempts to permanently leave their abuser. But, there are resources available to help those people through the fleeing process.
The easiest way to get plugged into those resources is through the local domestic violence hotline: 865-637-8000.
Or, victims can seek refuge and in-person assistance at the Family Justice Center. No appointment is necessary.