CROSSVILLE, Tenn. — I'm not much of a hunter, but whatever chemical hit my adrenal system when I laid eyes on a herd of unwanted porcelain unicorns has to be the same one that makes deer hunters get in the stand every fall.
The thrill of the kill just about matches the rush of a good deal.
If one man's trash is another man's treasure, that made Crossville and other Tennessee towns a much-appreciated X today, marking the spot for thousands of bargain hunters who schlepped down Highway 127 in the hopes of turning other people's crap into mantelpiece fixtures.
The World's Longest Yard Sale is 690 miles long and spans six states. Beginning in Gadsen, Alabama, and ending in Addison, Michigan, the Tennessee portion snakes through Fentress and Cumberland Counties, so we're lucky enough to cash in on some great bargains.
I went to a few in Crossville today, and I now pity whatever human chose to spend their Friday hiking among whatever itchy fauna the 2,200 miles of Appalachian Trail holds when they could have shuffled through sterling silver rings, brass compasses, and unopened World War II letters instead. You don't even have to bring water, because there are lemonade stands scattered throughout the different vendors. That's my kinda trail.
But let me be the one to say it: if at some point someone discovers the ~Magical Artifact™~ that opens up a wormhole to another dimension, you'll likely find it here.
Here are some of the coolest things I found at the World's Longest Yard Sale, ranked by how likely they are to open up a portal to another realm.
1. This retro scale that's haunted by a bulked-up mechanic named Ron.
You originally snagged it to enhance the chic, but minimalist, aesthetic of your newly renovated bathroom. But you're over Ikea and 'Never refuse to reuse!' had you not told your friends over the Whole Foods buffet lunch?
Well reuse this you did, only to find that it's haunted by Ron the Mechanic, whose inability to properly bulk (he lived in the 1910s when people laughed at him for making homemade flax protein powder) drove him to curse the thing. If you step on it, the dial spins and spins until you're sucked through the vortex and into Ron's old gym. You're his backup spotter - and macro counter - for life.
2. These paintings of good boys who have a chilling agenda.
One of these black labs had an affinity for fetching the mail for his humans and served as a therapy dog in his later years. The other once ran into the Chattahoochee, killed three of his neighbor's chickens, and covered his human's favorite loveseat with mud.
When the clock strikes 11:11 in the morning or night, they both come alive and tell you one of them leads to The Place Where the Good Dogs Go. The other leads to The Place Where the Bad Dogs Go.
Well, I could just stay here playing Madden, you tell them. I'm late in the fourth with ten yards to go.
You must choose, they say. We give the commands now. Sit, they say.
3. This little plastic Coke toy
Nothing super special here but this toy - in addition to the aforementioned wardrobe and several hookah bars scattered throughout the Pacific Northwest - opens the portal to Narnia. Seem off-brand? Nah. Lewis didn't cover the whole country.
4. This magical & musical carousel.
If you play this on a crisp September evening at precisely 3:14 p.m., you shrink to the size of one of the horses and are transported to the fiefdom of Arthropoda. It's ruled by a benevolent insect queen who's got the face and legs of a human, but the body of a ladybug. She ruins this whole shrunken experience by making you serve as the Endoskeletal Chairman on her board of trustees, where you dissect the exoskeletal experience with her committee before eventually cracking from all the stress.
5. These sensual bath salts.
You got these to decompress after work. As soon as you pour the suggested one cup of salt into your tub though, a wormhole between your drain and that of a 1st-century Roman bathhouse is created. You're sucked down into it and spend a few hours relaxing in the surprisingly luxurious alabaster caldarium, before your lavender smelling skin arouses suspicion in the townspeople. You're banished from the bathhouse and settle for a nearby mud spring, where you listened to a river dryad complain about her troll ex-boyfriend until sunset.
Honorable Mention: These teleporting headphones
These don't open up a portal necessarily. But they do transport you in real-time to whatever Pitbull concert happens to be going on that day. The catch? You have to leave them on your head the whole time. Good magic ain't free, bud.
Of course, there are many non-haunted, unportal-y wares for sale (like clothes, tools, books) which you should totally check out this weekend! The event runs throughout the weekend and ends on Sunday, Aug. 4.
Happy portal finding!
*Writer's Note: I do have to say that the views expressed here (specifically that any of the wares are haunted or that they in fact open up a portal to other realms) don't express the viewpoint of WBIR.com. Unfortunately.